Wall of Natsu
by BeyondLight
Summary: Natsu Dragneel looks like a happy, energetic dragonslayer but what lies underneath this boisterous façade?
1. Chapter 1

**So I decided to write a new story :P (not sure if it's a good idea or not) It's not a very 'upbeat' or 'happy' story and it may or may not make sense to you but if you don't like depressing things or drama in general, then don't read. If you do read it, please review, you lovely person :3 Enjoy~**

_-Natsu POV-_

I sat in my room, staring at the damage I had done to my arm. Blood was dripping slowly down the deep cuts that were temporarily burning away the wave of emotions built up inside me. I could hear Happy trying to get me to open the door, but I felt distant, unreal. I closed my eyes and leaned my head against the wall behind me.

I tried to ignore Happy's cries to let him in, but they kept getting louder and louder.

"Natsu! Let me in, Natsu! I know you're doing it again. Please, stop this…"

Silence.

I sighed in relief.

_Finally, he gave up…_

I was wrong. Happy started pounding on the door harder.

"Natsu, if you don't let me in I'll call Lucy!" my friend added.

I slowly got up from the ground and made my way to the door, putting on a long sleeve hoodie.

I opened the door, revealing my sunken face.

"There's no need to call Lucy and you know it, Happy." I replied finally.

The little blue cat flew in and sat down at my bed with a worried expression.

"Can't we talk about this? Why won't you let me help you, Natsu?"

I averted my eyes and pushed my fists into the pockets of my ripped jeans.

I couldn't let anyone in my walls, not even Happy.

He was already too close to me, I didn't want anyone closer than that. I needed my walls to protect me… and him.

Nobody was allowed in there. In _me. _

"We just can't." I gave him a big, fake smile. "Don't worry yourself too much, Happy. I heal quickly enough."

My little buddy frowned and I thought for a second he would try to push further but he simply sighed and flew out, mumbling something about seeing me later or needing fresh air; I'm not sure.

I was just glad to be alone. Or maybe I was more depressed.

I didn't know what to feel anymore.

I've been alone for so long that the constant pain I feel has turned into numbness.

_This is my way out_…

I walked into the bathroom and ran hot water down my bloody arm, letting the burning pain sink in.

I hated the numbness. I replaced it with pain, it was that simple.

I sighed and looked at myself in the mirror.

I had dark bags under my eyes from countless sleepless days, my salmon pink hair was tousled and unkempt, and my skin looked paler than usual. I was a mess, and I hadn't been out in three days.

I hadn't gone to the guild or outside. The only person I had talked to was Happy and I was trying to ignore even him.

I decided I should go out for a walk and try to clear my head.

Not that it would help to clear anything.

This was just a cycle I went through every month or week, depending on the events of the days.

I just didn't deal with things and suppressed all my problems inside me, acting crazy and outgoing on the outside while I was screaming and crying on the inside. Sometimes the walls that I had built to keep everything in cracked and I just crashed.

I slowly walked out of my house and slammed the front door.

I shoved my hands in my pockets and started walking my way into town.

The moon shone brilliantly in the night sky, and a cool breeze danced through the tree leaves around me.

I realized that I hadn't eaten in two days until my stomach growled, so I decided to go get some food at the guild. Mira always had something for me, plus I didn't have any money to buy food.

It was only seven o'clock.

I pushed open the doors to the guild and silently walked in.

I heard everyone shout my name and welcome me in.

Lucy ran up to me with a big smile.

"Natsu, where have you been?!"

I ignored the blonde and continued to walk towards the bar.

Everyone's smiles and cheer was replaced by a puzzled and, or worried look.

Lucy ran up behind me and continued to speak, "Hey is everything okay?"

I sat down at the bar and turned around to look at her with a blank face.

"Everything's fine, Luce." I said in a monotonous tone and turned back around.

Mira had already put some food in front of me.

I started eating, ignoring my friend behind.

Everyone in the guild continued their previous conversations while glancing at me with worried looks.

I couldn't blame them.

This is the first time ever that I came to the guild while going through one of my breakdowns.

I would be worried too if I saw my energetic dragon slayer friend looking like a bag of shit and not talking.

I finished my food and thanked Mira before I walked out the guild doors.

I glanced over to my usual table.

Erza was eating her strawberry cake and chatting with Lucy, Gray was sitting with Juvia and-

I stopped there. I felt the piercing pain come back in my chest.

_Gray and Juvia…_

They were sitting and talking, Juvia laughing at something Gray said.

Gray looked over at me and gave me a small smile.

I couldn't take it anymore.

I quickly looked away and rushed out of the doors, tears threatening to fall.

I walked quickly away from the guild, just seeing Gray with Juvia made me want scream and punch through every wall ever made.

Only Lucy, Mirajane and Happy knew I liked Gray. They kept on urging me to tell him but what was the point, everyone knew him and Juvia were a thing.

Plus, whenever I tell someone my feelings or end up in a relationship I get hurt or I hurt them. I was tired of ending up with the shit end of the stick.

I was just tired and scared, though I would never admit to that, of everything.

I heard someone running behind me and a strong hand grasped my mutilated arm.

I flinched in surprise and pain and turned around to see _him_.

"What's going on with you, flame-brain? You look like crap." Gray said.

I tried to pull away from him but his grip only tightened around the cut skin, making me flinch again.

I felt some of the newly forming scabs come off and blood stained small parts of my hoodie.

_Damn it…_

Gray noticed the red substance seeping through and pulled me closer, pushing my sleeve up to reveal long gashes, healing and fresh, across the skin of my arm.

His eyes widened with horror and I pulled back my arm, averting my eyes.

"N-Natsu… What the hell happened…?" he continued with searching eyes.

I glared at him.

_Like you care, Fullbuster. _

I turned around and continued walking away.

Gray followed.

"Fuck off ice princess." I growled at him.

He put a hand on my shoulder, the cool 'I don't give a shit' Gray disappearing for the moment.

"Natsu, I'm worried. Let me help you, please." he answered me.

Flame erupted around my fists and I looked up at him with hardened eyes.

"I don't want your pity" I spit out and pulled away from him, running away, tears falling from my eyes.

_I want your love, but you obviously have someone to give it to already. Just leave me alone, Gray so I don't have to deal with my emotions towards you._

What the fuck is wrong with me? I want him to love me but I keep pushing him away.

_No!_

I can't let him in. I can't let anyone in my hell. They can't see my demons.

They need to be safe.

I'm not safe.

_Gray… I love you…_


	2. Chapter 2

**So here's chapter two! Thank you all who reviewed and followed this story :3 it makes me soooo happy Ily all~**

-Gray's POV-

I stood there as Natsu ran away, the image of his mutilated arm stinging in my mind.

How could Natsu do this to himself? And why wouldn't he talk to him?

_Aren't we friends? ...Best friends?_

I balled up my fists in frustration and walked in the direction Natsu ran.

I didn't know what to say or do, I just wanted to be there for him but he kept pushing me away.

My walking became faster and faster until I started sprinting after Natsu.

I didn't know where he was going and a part of me was scared to follow him.

This was a new side to Natsu that I wasn't used to. I didn't know how to react to it.

I thought I saw a flicker of pink hair turning the corner so I bolted after it in a crazed fashion, calling out to my pink-haired friends name.

I turned the corner to find an empty street.

He wasn't there.

I leaned against the wall breathless.

_Goddammit Natsu... What has gotten into you?_

I heard footsteps approaching so I jolted up in hopes it was Natsu.

"Oh, it's just you." I said to Juvia noncommittally.

The blue haired girl walked towards me with a smile.

"Is everything all right, Gray-sama?" She asked as she put her hand on my shoulder.

I sighed. I didn't want to talk to Juvia right now.

Everyone thought we were a thing, but to be honest I didn't even think of her like that.

She was just a friend to me.

I moved her hand off my shoulder, her smile fading with the motion.

"Sorry Juvia, but I really don't want to talk right now."

She took a step towards to me, her face so close we were almost kissing.

"But Gray-sama... Juvia loves you" she replied back with pleading eyes.

I shifted my eyes to the side, looking down the street.

_Natsu... Where are you..._

Before I could say anything to Juvia and get away, I felt her thin, warm hands grasp my face and kiss me.

She pressed her lips against mine hungrily, my eyes widened with horror and I pushed her away.

"What the hell Juvia?!" I screamed.

"Gray-sama, please j-"

"No! Just stop it! I. Don't. Like. You." I growled at her.

_Doesn't she understand that I don't feel the same way?!_

She looked at me with a hurt expression, but I turned around towards the empty street, catching a glimpse of pink again.

This time I was sure it was Natsu.

I didn't waste a single second as I sprinted away from Juvia and down the street.

I heard a sob from the blue-haired girl, but ignored it.

I would explain things to her later. If there was anyone who I should tell my secret, it should be her. After tonight, she deserved to know.

I ran as fast as I could, every muscle burning for me to stop.

I pushed on forward, screaming for Natsu.

I finally caught up to him, I saw his panting figure sitting against a tree in an empty park.

He was shaking and had his head in his hands... Crying?

Natsu was crying...

_...but why...?_

I timidly walked towards him. I didn't want to do anything wrong.

"Natsu..." I pleaded, though what I was pleading for was unknown.

He looked up at me with a betrayed look, tears streaming down his cheeks.

I crouched in front of him and reached out to wipe those tears.

It was as if the only thing I wanted to do was to wipe those shining droplets of water off his face and pull him into an embrace.

Natsu snapped his head away from me and started to cry more heavily.

I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to say.

I needed to say something.

I was desperate to see Natsu happy again, or at least to see those tears stop.

I needed to say something.

"Natsu, I love you." I blurted out.

My eyes widened from the realization of what I said.

I needed to say something, anything except THAT.

_What am I thinking?! Crap, he's gonna think I'm gay! Wait, I am gay. But I don't want him to think that! Because then he's gonna close up to me even more. Shit, shit shit! Why did I have to say that. _

I looked down at Natsu's mixed expression of shock and anger.

_Fuck._

-Natsu's POV-

I looked up at Gray through wet eyes.

How could he tell me he loves me, when I saw him kissing Juvia?!

I had waited in the end of the street, trying to catch my breath when I saw Juvia and Gray talking. I had seen them kiss and well, I didn't stick around to see what happened next.

How could he say that?!

He didn't love me.

I looked down into my hands.

"You like Juvia." I whispered.

I didn't want to meet his eyes, because I knew I would just start crying even more.

I just looked down and let my walls crumble.

If there was anyone who could wreck my wall inside, it was Gray; and he had crushed them.

I started shaking and crying again, all of the emotions and past memories filling me like a flood.

How could one person do this to me?

"You k-kissed her..." I continued, my own voice foreign to me.

_Stop... Stop talking Natsu... _

I felt myself fall into strong, cool arms; the scent of winter burning sweetly in my nostrils.

Gray hugged me tightly while I shook violently.

"No, she kissed me Natsu, but I pushed her away. I would never do that to you." he said softly.

I shakily laughed.

_I'm dreaming. This can't be real._

"We're not even dating. You can do whatever y-you want." I said and buried my head in his shoulder.

I just wanted to stay like this forever.

I felt Gray's grip tighten around me.

"Just because we aren't dating, doesn't mean I haven't already given my heart to you." Gray replied with a gulp.

I gripped his shirt, crying and shaking harder.

I couldn't help myself, I had crashed, and crumbled.

"I-I love you too Gray. I love you so much, it's killing me." I said as I clutched his shirt tighter.

I couldn't breathe.

Gray kissed the top of my head.

"M-make it stop, Gray. Make them go away. Make it stop." I added.

He kept on assuring me he would make 'it' stop, although I doubt he knew what 'it' was.

We sat there, him hugging me while I shook violently and cried, staining his shirt.

How could I let him in?

I shouldn't have admitted that I loved him. I should've done it.

I can't turn back now.

My walls...

He.

Was.

Inside.

Shit.


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey there cool people. Sorry for not updating sooner, I really suck at managing wibbly wobbly timey wimey stuff -_- but hope this chapter is long enough to make up for it I'm going to start going deeper into Natsu's problems and how he kinda ended up the way he is. I'm going to introduce some new, original characters and change the relationship between Igneel and Natsu. For many reasons, I'm going to make Igneel human. Constructive comments and reviews are always welcomed Hope it doesn't suck too bad**

**-**Natsu's POV-

_I was running around, laughing, with my friend, Ry, chasing me. I always stayed at his house when Igneel was out on important errands and wasn't coming home for days. _

_It was just a fun way to pass time and Igneel didn't mind, as long as I controlled my magic._

_We were both around thirteen years old and loved making up games to play._

_Ry threw himself on his bed, panting from our previous game of soccer._

_He pushed the sweaty blonde bangs out of his face and grinned at me._

_"Hey Natsu, I have a new game we should try." he said with a purr. His voice always had a soft vibration to it._

_I looked at him and rolled my eyes._

_"What's the game?" I asked as I plopped myself on his computer chair._

_He got up and pulled all the blankets and sheets off his bed and tossed it to the floor._

_"Let's make a fort and act like we're camping." He laughed out._

_I gave him a weird look and snorted._

_"What are we three?" I mocked him as I got up to help him build the thing. Even though it sounded silly, I decided to go along with it._

_He just smiled back as we finished propping up the sheets in a tent-like way and laid blankets underneath._

_He turned off the lights and clicked on a flashlight and went in the fort, lying on his stomach._

_I sat across from him with crossed legs and grinned._

_"Man, this is the gayest thing we've ever done" I laughed out. _

_He shrugged and shone the flashlight under his chin, widening his eyes._

_"Prepare to be scared out of your mind!" He said in an exaggerated voice._

_I just chuckled and laid back on the pillows thrown about._

_Ry laid next to me and wrapped an arm around my torso, snuggling behind me._

_I gave him a mixed looked and tried pulling away._

_"Dude, what the hell are you doing?"_

_He ignored my question and pulled me in closer._

_"Hey Natsu, do you like me?" he whispered into my ear._

_I shivered._

_"Y-you're my friend, Ry. I like you as a friend. You're acting weird man." _

_What the hell is going on?!_

_He shifted himself and kissed down my neck, sucking at some parts._

_I tried to push him off but his grip only tightened around me._

_He moved my face with his free hand and pressed his lips against mine, sucking on my lower lip._

_I didn't know what to do. I couldn't use my magic against him…_

_I couldn't move, I couldn't do anything. He was way stronger than me._

_He rubbed his hips against me, his hand moving lower into my pants._

_I closed my eyes, tears threatening to fall._

_This was my best friend. _

_I was so helpless, I-_

I woke up with a start, breathing heavily and slightly shaking from the dream of my past.

I looked around me and noticed I was in my room.

_Oh yeah, Gray carried me back home last night._

I pulled the covers over my head and curled up.

Not only did I cry in front of Gray and told him I loved him, I let him carry me home like a little girl.

I got up and noticed I was still wearing the clothes from yesterday.

I walked into my bathroom and ran the water for the shower, brushing my teeth while waiting.

I took my clothes off and stepped in the heated water, washing away all thought from my mind.

When I got out, I dried myself and put on a fresh pair of boxers and some deodorant.

Gray had probably left when he dropped me off, so I didn't think I'd need to get fully dressed.

I was too tired to think of anything. I just wanted to eat and then lay on my couch, doing nothing.

I walked into my kitchen and was greeted by a lean figure standing over my stove, cooking.

The raven was cracking some eggs in a pan and cooking sausages. He went over to the toaster when pieces of bread popped up.

I stood by the door frame, shocked and in my underwear.

He turned around and gave me a small smile.

"Good morning star shine, the world says hello!" he said in a timid tone.

I opened my mouth and then closed it.

Was I still sleeping? This was too good to be true.

Gray fucking Fullbuster was in my house, cooking me food.

He dished out the food and put two plates on the table.

"You were in a pretty bad state yesterday, so I didn't want to leave you alone" Gray added, averting his eyes.

He looked pretty sad.

I looked down, knowing it was all my fault he wore that look on his face.

I stood there awkwardly until Gray took my hand and pulled me down into the chair next to him.

He looked straight into my eyes.

"Natsu… I already told you I loved you… Please, let me help you" he said.

_And I told you I loved you too but…_

I looked at the plate of food in front of me.

_I love you Gray... That's why I can't let you in..._

_Or you'll end up hating me._

_You'll hate me for the stuff I did._

_You'll hate me…_

I need to get myself together.

"I'm fine, Gray. I guess I just needed sleep. Don't worry about me." I said with a grin plastered on my face.

He flinched as if someone had struck him.

He got up and stared at me angrily, his fists balled.

"Don't fucking lie to me, Natsu!" he screamed out. His eyes were watering.

I pulled my knees to my chest.

"D-Don't yell..." I whispered low enough that he wouldn't hear me.

"I already told you I loved you! Why won't you believe me?! Why won't you let me help you?!" Gray continued to raise his voice, his body shaking out of frustration.

_Don't yell..._

I pressed my hands behind my head and buried my face in my knees.

I shook my head slowly.

_I want to believe he can love me..._

Any normal person could see that he does care, but... It just doesn't seem real to me.

I didn't believe that something as good as this could happen to _me_. The person I love, loving me back?

It seemed impossible.

Besides, I couldn't let him in, I just couldn't!

I flinched as Gray put a hand on my shoulder.

He noticed and quickly pulled his hand away, realizing I was shaking.

"Sorry..." He lowered his voice.

"I'm not asking you to tell me your deepest darkest secret. J-Just... Don't shut me out." His voice cracked. He sounded really hurt. "Let me be with you."

I felt really bad because Gray sounded so helpless.

He sounded like someone who didn't know what to do.

And I don't blame him.

Nobody was used to me being so fragile.

I looked up at Gray.

No matter what doubts I had about him, he didn't deserve to feel helpless.

He was the most amazing person on earth, he deserved nothing but happiness.

I wouldn't allow myself to hurt him.

I didn't have to let him inside my walls, but I didn't have to shut him out of my life either.

I could still continue to keep him out even if I made him a part of my life, right?

I did it with Happy.

_Happy… I wonder where he is…?_

I'm sure he's fine. Right now, I needed to straighten things out with Gray.

"I'm sorry." I said and wrapped my arms around him, pulling him into a close embrace.

He looked down at me in shock, but wrapped an arm around me in return.

"I'm sorry." I repeated myself.

He ran his fingers through my hair and let out a sigh.

"Maybe one day we can talk about this, but for now I'm gonna enjoy this hug." He smiled and bent down to hug me properly, kissing me on the cheek with a small smile.

I felt heat creep into my cheeks and I involuntarily smiled.

I quickly stuffed my mouth with food to hide this reaction but Gray had noticed and laughed heartily.

_God, I love that laugh..._

I blushed even more as I swallowed down the food.

"You're so cute when you smile, flame-brain." Gray said as he ruffled my hair and took a seat next to me.

"Shut up ice-princess." I retorted as the blush kept reddening my face.

He took a bite of some eggs and grinned.

"But I like this you. He's very...adorable." Gray continued.

We sat there, smiling at each other and eating the food he made us.

I don't care if this is a dream, it's the happiest I have ever been.

"We should stop by the guild today." he added while looking me over. "Of course you'd have to put some clothes on." he laughed.

I blushed even more.

"S-Sure. Ok." I replied as I cleared the table and washed everything in the sink.

Gray left the room and came out with a long sleeve, black shirt with some skinny black jeans.

"Nice assortment of color you have in your closet." He said with a smile as he tossed the items towards me.

I quickly put them on and walked towards the door to put some shoes on.

Gray quickly took my hand and walked me to the guild, locking the door in the process.

The whole way he never let go of my hand.

We talked about nominal things like missions, previous battles and food. I don't really remember what our conversation consisted of exactly, but I enjoyed every bit of it.

I enjoyed every second I got to spend with Gray.

He pushed open the doors to the guild and we walked in grinning.

Everyone was staring at us, two supposed rivals, holding hands and acting cute.

I felt another wave of red creep into my cheeks.

"G-Gray... Everyone's staring." I whispered to him.

He leaned in and kissed my cheek, smiling.

"I don't care." he replied.

I smiled widely as we sat down at an empty table, Gray wrapping his arm around me.

We continued our silly conversation on a prank we wanted to pull on Lucy and I laughed when Gray tried mimicking her would-be reaction, but my smile faded as the doors to the guild opened to reveal a tall, built, sandy-blonde haired man that I remembered all too well.

_It's him..._

He walked to the back of the guild towards Gramps and had a quick talk. Probably talking about joining the guild. Why else would he be here?

_Please don't let him join. Please don't let him join. Please don't let him join._

I heard a loud booming laughter that could only belong to Gramps and I heard him say:

"Of course you can join m'boy! Anyone is welcome at Fairy Tail."

I turned around with widened eyes and saw Gramps pat the blonde mans back and jumps down from the table.

Gramps turned towards the members of the guild and announced the arrival of a new member and everyone cheered. They welcomed him with smiles and laughter.

I turned around and stared at the floor, breathing shakily.

_He can't be here... NOT HERE!_

"Natsu, get over here." I heard Gramps shout.

I put on a fake grin and walked calmly over to Master Makarov.

"Hey there Gramps! What can I do for ya?" I asked with a wave of my hand.

Master hopped on the table again and clasped a hand on the new members shoulder.

"I want you to take this young man and show him around, will you?" he asked.

I gave Master a thumbs up. "No problem Gramps!"

_This could not get any worse..._

The sandy-haired man put out his hand.

"Nice to see you again, Natsu." he said with a smile.

I took his hand slowly and shook it.

"Ry." I answered distastefully.

His only response was continuing to grin.

I turned around and waved back to Gray. He got what I meant and went to sit with our friends.

I felt Ry's hand on my shoulder.

"I missed you Natsu..." he purred into my ear.

My body shivered and I could feel sweat forming along my brow.

I quickly swatted his hand away and walked away, Ry following me in pursuit.

I quickly walked him around the guild and showed him where everything was, he never stopped staring at me once, which made me even more uncomfortable.

I walked out to the back of the guild to show him the back way entrance but the minute we were alone outside, he pushed me against the wall of the guild.

I looked around and noticed we were _completely_ alone. Not a single living thing was out here.

I started panicking.

He had my wrists pinned down above my head with one of his large hands, and he pressed against me with his hips.

"R-Ryan. Stop." I whimpered.

I tried moving against him but he was always physically stronger than me.

I didn't know what to do, but I didn't want the repeat of old times.

I enveloped myself in flames in hopes of burning him and running away but he covered himself with a layer of rock.

_He's an earth Mage. Crap. He can just block my flames._

He let out a low chuckle and breathed along my neck.

"Calling me by my first name, fighting back... That's the first Natsu." He kissed along my jaw line and looked me in the eyes.

Tears were threatening to fall from my eyes.

"Get. Off. Me. Ry." I persisted.

His free hand wandered inside my shirt, feeling my abdomen.

Before I could say anything else or shout, he pushed his lips against mine, tracing his tongue on my lower lip.

I kept my mouth shut in a thin line, closing my eyes and trying to push myself away.

He growled at my unresponsive actions and kneed me in the groin, making me gasp in pain.

The minute my mouth parted, he shoved his tongue in dominantly and explored around my mouth.

_No!_

I bit down hard on his tongue and he pulled away immediately, spitting a small droplet of blood on the ground.

I didn't wait a second for the punch that I knew was going to come.

It always came…Even when I didn't fight back…

I turned around and bolted back into the guild.

My body was shaking and I was breathing heavily.

_It's just a nightmare. It can't be real._

I hugged myself and closed my eyes.

It was just a bad dream, nothing else.

I heard the door behind me open and close, revealing a pissed off Ryan walking towards me.

My heart sunk.

I walked towards the main area where everyone was, putting on my stupid grin even though I was shaking like crazy.

"S-So that's our guild! Welcome!" I said in a cheerful, loud voice.

Ry grabbed me by my arm and whispered in a low voice.

"I will have you again." he said.

Some guild members called him over to welcome him and talk, so Ry let my arm go and walked away.

I felt numb.

I walked slowly over to the table Gray was seated at.

Gray looked up at me, noticing my distant look.

He put an arm around me.

"Hey, you ok?" he asked.

I looked down into my lap.

_No._

He was back.

My worst nightmare…was a reality.


End file.
